C. Franz and the Wacky Things He Says

2006-11-30T22:54:00.000-05:00

At work today this autistic Indian (dot, not casino) teenager pulled down his sweatpants and whizzed on the floor by the escalators. He really let loose too. My manager and I were standing talking and we turned around and saw him peeing. We tried to distract him, and his flow stopped for a second, but resumed its healthy unimpeded flow. He pulled up his pants and darted down the escalator.I

2006-11-27T22:37:00.000-05:00

Hall of Fame BallotWell, Major League Baseball has issued its annual Hall of Fame ballot today. While not a registered member of the Baseball Writers of America, I do like to partake in the parlor game of drafting my own ballot. I still have some of the rotisserie league geek in me. (when I spent my year abroad in provincial Russia, i developed a baseball game based on a Russian deck of cards

2006-11-20T23:36:00.000-05:00

Would you rather go on Top Chef or Hell's Kitchen? Both have their benefits and drawbacks. Personally, I think I might go with Hell's Kitchen. Why? Well, Ramsay runs a kitchen the way I would, no bullshit, do your job and do it right. Watching him on kitchen nightmares I see his frustration with people not getting this general philosophy. His food, though, looks like shit. Lobster

2006-11-20T23:18:00.000-05:00

Ohmystarsinheaven! I just checked my blog and I have seemed to let this field sit fallow for over a year. Good show, dummy!

2006-11-20T22:57:00.000-05:00

So it's been over six months since I have contributed anything to this blog. Six long months. That's what holding down two jobs and raising two and half kids will do to your spare time. I should be more diligent in updating this thing. I have to keep my fan happy.New things in my life:1)working fulltime at the bookstore. Oh yes, another delightful holiday season selling James Patterson and

2005-09-01T21:41:00.000-05:00

Book findsMy wife is constantly harping on me for purchasing way more books than I can possibly read. I admit, I can not pass a library booksale, book fair or used book store without loading up on dozens of books. I have made some good finds in the past couple of years. I found an autographed copy of a Tom Stoppard play valued at two hundred dollars for only a dollar at an antique store in

2005-08-30T11:31:00.000-05:00

Now my daughter is holding a napkin around her neck and is running around the house shouting "Go! Go! Gooooooooo!" This cuteness makes up for the screaming and pinching.

2005-08-30T11:25:00.000-05:00

My eighteen-month old daughter is dancing around the house to Gang of Four clutching a cookie in her hand. She's all right.

2005-07-09T11:07:00.000-05:00

Things a 3-Year Old Says"You are skinny daddy, but your belly is fat.""Where do Macaronis live? In a box or an elephant? An elephant!""Why did the chicken go in the water? Because it has no pants."

2005-06-29T10:19:00.000-05:00

Nevksy's VideoLooks like my good friend Nevsky, over at 2+2 = 5 has made a video. You should check it out.

2005-06-29T07:13:00.000-05:00

Is nice ring, I keep. . .Never let a Russian fondle your jewels.

2005-05-02T14:23:00.000-05:00

Wierd DreamsHere's a catalog of wierd dreams I have had in the past week:-I am in Disney World and I met up with an old co-worker who insists on making out with me. "But we're both married! With children." We are on the old skyride (which Disney no longer has) and the chair starts rocking and I can't keep my balance. Then her kid bites me really really hard.-I am an orthodontist specializing

2005-04-11T13:52:00.000-05:00

My wife accidentally left her checkcard at the gas station last week. She called them up and they said they had it, she just had to stop by and pick it up. Sure, that's a lot easier than cancelling the card and waiting a few weeks for a new one (we already went through that a couple of months ago).So my wife went to pick it up (the gas station is nowhere near our house, but close to her work,

2005-04-11T13:50:00.000-05:00

Not twenty miles from me at this moment they are unfolding a gigantic 2004 World Series Champions pennant off of the Green Monster in Fenway Park. While tacky and disgusting in a way only Bostoners can appreciate, I am kind of happy these damn Red Sox fans can feel the same feelings that Florida Marlins fans have felt twice in the past eight years.Go Yanks!

2005-03-21T23:38:00.000-05:00

Invisible Dogs in the HouseI don't know what my daughter is trying to tell us, but she is insisting that there are two invisible dogs that live our house. Sometimes they are very tiny and can fit in the palm of her hand, other times they are quite large. One of the dogs is white and named "Pickles," the other one is either black or pink (depending on the time of day, I guess) and nammed "

2005-03-09T22:58:00.000-05:00

Been a while since I've posted. I've been slack. And busy. My daughter's birthday is tomorrow. 1 year old. Damn, I'm a pro by now.Yesterday, when giving the girls a bath, I had two rollouts. If you have ever had young kids, you might know what a rollout is. It's when a poop rolls out of the diaper and then you have to chase it over the linoleum with a piece of toilet paper and pick it up

2005-02-09T23:36:00.000-05:00

Why You Should Never Delve Into Your Family History Last week the fambly and I visited my Omi (German for Grandma) in New Port Ritchie, Florida. It was nice to see her after twenty years. Yeah, I'm a bad grandson. But she has lived in Germany most of that time, and the other half she was being a typical German and estranging herself from the majority of her family for some unknown slight. It

2005-01-19T21:10:00.000-05:00

Tarragon Soda When I was travelling through Central Asia with my buddy Arseny, he introduced me to a drink called "Tarkhun." It was green and sweet and tasted like root beer. I thought it yummy yummy yummy. He also introduced me to the old black and dirty Afghan poppy scrapings, but that's another story. The only place in Russia proper where I could find Tarkhun soda was at the train station

2004-12-20T11:53:00.000-05:00

Of Fakelorists and Post-Dissertation Malaise Is there a worse time of life than the year following the completion of your dissertation? Some maladjusted adolescent years might compete: in my case, stockings, eyeliner, "I wear black on the outside because I feel black on the inside," an addiction to Pepto-Bismal, Dragonlance books, Jim Morrison poetry, chronic masturbation. But that is nowhere

2004-12-11T11:44:00.000-05:00

The Christmas Pickle Nothing reminds me of my German childhood like the traditional Christmas pickle. When decorating the tree on Christmas Eve, my "mutti und vatti" would hide a pickle somewhere on the tree. If either my sister or I found the pickle on Christmas morn, then St. Nikolaus would give us a special present of either Pfeffernussen or Weinachtgeld. This Christmas morn, both my

2004-12-08T18:28:00.000-05:00

Koofer File this under crazy things you're glad your parents never did: A while back I informed my Mom that my wife and I like to play board and card games, and that we especially like playing the classic french card game Milles Bourne. "Oh, your father and aunt and I just loved Milles Bourne. We would hold all night tournaments when I was pregnant with you. We were this close to naming you

2004-12-05T22:45:00.000-05:00

Potential sluglines for potential entries I haven't written: My Wife Took My Pornography Away Ukraine is Like Ohio LL Cool J Has Always Kinda Sucked Why Won't They Publish My Novel? I Got Drunk at a rateBeer Meetup Don't You Think I'm So Sexy, I'm So Fresh and So Clean My Mom Gave Me The First Season of Alias and Now I Think Everyone is in SD-6 After I Read the Da Vinci Code, I Dreamt That My

2004-11-30T10:40:00.000-05:00

Sideways Downways Upside Down Over the weekend the lovely wife and I, along with about two hundred old people, went to see Alexander Payne's new film Sideways. I think it was the first time we made it to the theater since Lucie was born in March. Couldn't have picked a better film. (of course, Christine thought it was just okay, but it was more my taste: depressing and funny at the same time).

2004-11-23T09:17:00.000-05:00

Looking My Dead Dad in the Eyes It's been a while since I have added anything to this blog; seems like I've been having a miserable couple of weeks. Two weeks ago today my mom called me to tell me that my biological father had passed away and that I should probably go to the funeral home to pay my last respects. I had not seen the bastard in almost twenty-two years, but I decided to do what

2004-11-14T08:24:00.000-05:00

I put my latest post through the Dialectizer, set on Jive: 11.6.2004 Stupid Doodads ah' Gots Eaten As regular sufferers uh my blog may already know, ah' likes t'keep many ridiculous lists in mah' haid. Dis list be of stupid doodads ah' have put in mah' moud, and da damn side effects, dig dis: 1. Pine Nuts - It took me dree times t'realize dat ah' wuz allergic t'pine nuts and dey would make me

2004-11-06T11:59:00.000-05:00

Stupid Things I Have Eaten As regular sufferers of my blog may already know, I like to keep many ridiculous lists in my head. This list is of stupid things I have put in my mouth, and the side effects: 1. Pine Nuts - It took me three times to realize that I was allergic to pine nuts and they would make me throw up. I would sit there popping pine nuts into my mouth, and then two hours later

2004-11-06T11:51:00.000-05:00

News That Should Enliven My Wife Last night I tried to read the online version of Charlottesville other weelky rag, The Hook. Instead of the expected feelings of nostalgia, I was met with feelings of vague indifference. It was like reading the newspaper of a city I've never been to, The Dubuque Register or the Sacramento Bee. A while back I checked out a discussion group based in Yaroslavl,

2004-11-05T15:51:00.000-05:00

Fuck the 'Lection I got other things in my life. I'll save my indignation and dissapointment for when I'm drunk. Oh, about two hours from now. Speaking of the bottle, I am trying to get my two year old daughter to get off of hers. This little gremlin can go through almost a half gallon of organic fat-free milk a day. And that shit ain't free. You pay the extra price for them to keep the

2004-11-03T14:09:00.000-05:00

The Ballot that Matters Even though I am not a member of the BBWA, I still submit a Hall of Fame ballot every year. What can I say, I'm a freak. Let it fly. Here's my ballot this year (in no particular order, except for the top slot): 1. Don Mattingly. Best first baseman I have ever seen. For most of his career I would watch him all the time on WPIX. I can still mimic the way his gloved

2004-11-03T13:59:00.000-05:00

Nobel Prizes For Me Every year around this time I go out and buy a book by the recent recipient of the Nobel Prize in literature. And then I read it. What a novel concept. I've been doing this since high school, starting with Naguib Mahfouz. Some years, I have already read stuff by the winner: Toni Morrison, Gunther Grass, and most recently, J. M. Coetze. I've come across some favorite

2004-11-03T13:42:00.000-05:00

The Assholes of the World My list of assholes of the world. At the end of the year I just might have to fix an election for an "Asshole of the World" yearly award. This is in sort of order, with the biggest assholes up front. 1. George W. Bush - No explanation necessary. Just his ineptitude in catching Asshole of the World #2. 2. Usama ibn-Ladin - So I use a unique orthography. Shut up and

2004-11-03T13:33:00.000-05:00

So none of this will probably matter, since Kerry is due to concede in an hour and a half just fifteen miles from where I am writing this. Damnit. The Republicans have stolen another election. I will not deny Bush the general vote, he obviously had a decisive lead. Just makes me wonder what the fuck everybody is thinking when they are casting their ballots. "Values." What the fuck does that

2004-11-01T11:08:00.000-05:00

Kids Are Funny I was once one of those single guys who would bash fatherhood and the sappy kind of guys who would tell cute stories about their kids. Funny how detox and parenthood can turn me into a dirtier version of Bill Keane. Having a two-year old is fun, because you can see character traits develop right before your eyes and you have some limited power over developing these nascent

2004-11-01T10:54:00.000-05:00

One more day! One more day! Four years of stomach-churning bile-raising indignation is about to end. The amount of vitriol and anger I have harbored can be released, if only the American people are smart enough to unelect and not vote for (again) that goddamned chimpanzee. No matter what shenanigans the assholes on the right try this time (intimidating and challenging black and hispanic

2004-10-22T14:49:00.000-05:00

Damn Yankees It is pretty disheartening to be a Yankee fan living in Boston, as I have previously whined about in this, and other, places. Boston fans are, as a rule, insufferable. Now this annoying trait is amplified countless times by a) the Boston Beaneaters beating the Yankees in a humiliating and unprecedented fashion; and b) there being a Deadly World Series being held in Boston this

2004-10-14T22:28:00.000-05:00

A Stranger in a Strange Land I am a Yankee fan living in Red Sox Nation. I have never lived anywhere where I feel less welcome. I am more homesick than when I was halfway around the globe eating potatoes and mushrooms for breakfast and mangling the Russian language in unique and interesting ways. The radio and tv airwaves are filled with chowdahedz talking shit about the Yankees. The only

2004-10-13T15:05:00.000-05:00

I had a whole bunch of ideas to write about this week, but I forget them at the moment! Oh yeah, I wanted to write about the Topsfield Fair. Have you ever been to county fair or a state fair? What a fucking mess of humanity. Too many people, too many Turkey Legs and Cotton candies, and too much ugly cleavage. Here is a list of the kinds of people who you will see at the fair: 1. Ugly

2004-10-08T12:05:00.000-05:00

Elmo's Coloring Book One of the perils of modern-day parenting is the annual Sesame Street Live touring show that appears at your local arena, playhouse, etc. Nowadays it is no longer limited to the Sesame Street gang, which I can at least relate to, I was wearing Elmo paraphenalia years before I had kids. Now there are all the children's logorific commercial tie-ins to deal with: Disney On

2004-10-07T22:09:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President is a Robot Check out this story on Salon. Apparently Bush is having his words fed to him by radio transmitter.

2004-10-07T20:10:00.000-05:00

I'm a Published Writer, Part II I have sold another article! Somebody is actually paying me to record my ramblings. Granted, the pay is minimal, but it is pay nonetheless! I'm not sure when it will be published, but I will soon appear on the online journal SmellyK. As I like to boast, "The K stands for Kunt." The article actually lets me blend my love of folklore with my love of smelly k's.

2004-09-29T22:03:00.000-05:00

Electric Babies Margot, the two-year old, decided to unscrew the lightbulb out of her lamp and stick her finger in the light socket. She did this while she was suppossed to be napping. She starts screaming, I come running upstairs, she's sobbing and the lamp is lying on the floor. She's doing all right, but she was scared shitless. I held her for a few minutes and she calmed down. Just

2004-09-27T22:30:00.000-05:00

I'm Fucking Warped I played what I thought was a clever and hilarious practical joke on my wife this week. Every day for a couple of days I would shave off about 1/8 to a 1/4 inch of hair from my hairline on top (my burgeoning widow's peak). I would then leave the clumps of hair all over the bathroom. At first the wife didn't say anything. I would then spend lots of time in front of the

2004-09-27T22:25:00.000-05:00

Good Old Leftism To let you know what sort of good old leftist I am - I am currently listening to Woody Guthrie singing anti-war songs and union songs and nodding my head in agreement. Today I walked past a solitary gentleman standing in front of the TGIFriday's on Newbury Street in Downtown Boston who was wearing a sign that said "TGIFriday's Unfair - No Health Care." I had previously seen

2004-09-23T21:36:00.000-05:00

Cat Stevens is a Douche Yusuf Islam, nee Cat Stevens, nee something else, is a douche. He is a douche not because he is a convert to Islam. Heck, when I was in Turkmenia I became awful close to being a convert to Islam (couldn't get over my damn atheism, though). He is a douche because he rejoindered the Ayatollah Khomeini's fatwa against Salman Rushdie. Cat Stevens is a holier-than-thou

2004-09-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

Name This Film Can you name the film in which the following snippet of dialogue is extracted: "What is that African language you know, dear?" "Tuareg." Actually, don't bother. It's from Hidalgo. Fifteen minutes into the film my wife says, "How much longer?" "Two hours," I replied. An hour later, after much eye-rolling, my lovely wife said, "This is the last time I listen to people at work

2004-09-22T16:33:00.000-05:00

Developmental Hurdles of a Two Year Old My poor two year old daughter has been having some developmental issues. She is already seeing a speech therapist for her language problems. She sometimes will throw fits when no one understands her. It can be frustrating for all involved. I feel sorry for her. She has started going to a play group for children with developmental problems, and I can

2004-09-22T16:31:00.000-05:00

I'm a Paid Writer! It's not much to brag on, but I recently sold an article on bike riding in Boston for fifteen dollars to an undisclosed website. Hey, it's a start!

2004-09-16T05:28:00.000-05:00

Early Morning Baby Drills Seems like the six-month-old Lucienne has decided that six o'clock in the morning is a good time to roll around on the floor and just grab things and giggle. It is overbearingly cute and all, but dagnabbit, daddy's tired. Right now she is trying to sit up and pet her older sister's plastic bouncy horsey. She can get up on all fours, look around, but not really be able

2004-09-12T17:35:00.000-05:00

Chechens are Gay In light of the recent tragic events in Beslan, I have nothing to say except that the Chechens are gay. Really. Who the fuck is their PR person? Killing kids - bad idea. You are not going to win any friends or converts to your cause. I used to defend the Chechen cause, even at risk of alienating some Russian friends, but they have lost me forever recently. And the Al Qaeda

2004-09-12T17:14:00.000-05:00

On the Turntable Amazing Grace - Aretha Franklin; Schumann: Sonatas for Violin and Piano - Ara Malikian and Serouj Kradjian;Crossroads (Disc 1) - Eric Clapton; Genius & Soul: The 50th Anniversary Collection (Disc 3) - Ray Charles; Switched On Boxed Set (Disc 1 & 4) - Wendy Carlos (nee William Carlos); Istoriia Akvariuma: Arkhiv Tom III- Akvarium; The Funk Box (Disc 1); Driving Rain - Paul

2004-09-08T09:22:00.000-05:00

Great EBay Find I have found a Belle and Sebastian poster for when they played the Hammersmith Odeon in New York on the day Margot was born. Definitely one for the dining room. The wife and I had tickets to see them play in DC for around Margot's due date. The way things turned out, the concert was nine days after Margot's birth. Being an asshole, I went to the concert anyway, taking Nevsky

2004-09-08T09:15:00.000-05:00

Lucienne, at six months, had developed the highly annoying tendency of screaming and crying when not being held and walking around. For a while there she could entertain herself in her swing, or on her activity playmat, or in her bouncy-bouncy, but now she has to either be in the frontpack or in my arms - which can get in the way of everyday chores like dishes or playing Literati on Yahoo Games.

2004-09-05T14:06:00.000-05:00

Unemployment Stinks I just got my unemployment claim denied by the gracious and caring state of Virginia. They claim that I did not explore all possibilities before moving to Massachussetts and voluntarily leaving my job. What, was I suppossed to let my wife move up here by herself with the two kids? What choads. I don't even think it is worth appealing for 170 dollars a week. I have worked

2004-09-03T10:13:00.000-05:00

Republicans in Strip Clubs I coulda told you that Republicans, and out-of-town Republicans at that, are bad tippers. The Voice has a blog written by a strip club waitress, and should be read. Here's the blog

2004-09-02T22:37:00.000-05:00

Just got done watching Gus Van Sandt's "Elephant." I think my wife is cheesed at me for renting it, she tries to avoide disturbing images, not that I blame her. I thought it was an excellent and thought-provoking film. It reminded me so much of my miserable suburban New York high school experience. I remember watching the Columbine shootings in a bar and just sympathizing (or empathizing)

2004-08-30T09:29:00.000-05:00

Whoopsi! Looks like I posted the Ming Tsai post twice! Oh well, read it for variation, and then write an analysis of flaws in my narrative, misspellings, gaps, storytelling gaffes, etc.

2004-08-30T09:09:00.000-05:00

NO MORE YEARS As a native New Yorker, I am delighted with the reception that is being given the dotards at the Republican National Convention. It is only reiterating the obvious when I assert that the GOP is exploiting the tragedy of 9/11. If I was anywhere near the city I would be one of the hundreds of thousands on the street telling the delegates to get the fuck out of Dodge. If you haven't

2004-08-30T08:54:00.000-05:00

I Could Look At Ming Tsai All Day I wrote this blog the other day, but, alack, it did not get published. Damn Safari browser. Anyway here's a rewrite. (btw: the above quote is from my wife's aunt) On Wednesday the inlaws brought us to Blue Ginger (their friends cancelled on them, and my ever-resourceful and grubby wife insinuated ourselves into an implied invitation). It was my first '

2004-08-30T08:51:00.000-05:00

Lesbian NYC Librarians As per Nevsky's example, I have been hitting the Next Blog button ensconced in the upper right hand corner. I too have come across way too many Jesus poems, Malaysian teenager blogs and "Omigod the first week of college is hard" blogs. Luckily, I stumbled across my doppelganger blog: Kinky Librarian.. Visit her.

2004-08-30T08:50:00.000-05:00

The currency of negotiation in any marriage is the blow job. Except, perhaps, in a lesbian union.

2004-08-30T08:41:00.000-05:00

On the Turntable Loaded (Fully Loaded Version Disc 1)-The Velvet Underground; I Am the Cosmos- Chris Bell; Good News for People Who Love Bad News - Modest Mouse; Bedtime Stories - David Baerwald; The Last Waltz (Disc 1) - The Band; One Foot in the Grave - Beck; Good Vibrations: Thirty Years of the Beach Boys (Disc 4); Ill Communication - The Beastie Boys; No Code - Pearl Jam (The two-year-old

2004-08-29T13:02:00.000-05:00

I Could Look At Ming Tsai All Day The above is a quote from my wife's aunt when my mother-in-law told her we were eating dinner on Wednesday night at Blue Ginger. It was kinda neat. I had been hinting at eating dinner there for years. The wife and I split the mussells appetizer. For the entree I had a chili tea infused porkloin; wifey had the polenta and vegetable napoleon. I want to be a

2004-08-29T12:47:00.000-05:00

Margot and the Bowed Tibia On Monday we took our lovely daughter Margot to Children's Hospital in Boston for a visit with the children's orthopeadic sturgeon. (or was that the aquarium? I crack myself up) When chitchatting with the doctor he asked us were we were from, what specialists we saw before with Margot's foot problem, etc. When he found out we were from Charlottesville and had just

2004-08-22T09:49:00.000-05:00

More on My Fecal Fascinations Everybody poops. Not everybody feels compelled to chronicle their shitting experiences in weblog form. Luckily for us we have the awesome website The Poop Report!. Users are encouraged to submit embarassing tales and stories concerning inappropriately timed BMs.

2004-08-22T09:39:00.000-05:00

The Swift Boat Captains for Truth are after me. Seems like I didn't deserve the medals I earned during the Vietnam War - When I was in my mother's womb! in my mother's womb I chased an injured Charley rocket-propelled grenade launcher haflway up my mother's fallopian tube and shot him mercilessly dead. We had made a pledge that if we had encountered any black pyjama-clad VC in the uterine

2004-08-22T09:34:00.000-05:00

On the Turntable Dear Charlottesville,- Various Artists; Thirteen Tales from Urban Bohemia- The Dandy Warhols; Average White Band; Wisteria - Arson Garden; The Snare - Looper; The Lily and the Lamb - Anonymous 4; Let's Kill Saturday Night - Robbie Fulks. CDs that are going to be on Ebay real soon: Familiar to Millions - Oasis; Be Glad For the Song Has No End - The Incredible String Band;

2004-08-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

Crappy Pizza Alert! I forgot to include Dino's in West Concord in my list of inferior pizza products of massachussetts. My soul is aching.

2004-08-19T11:26:00.001-05:00

Pizza Update I have still not found a pizza that I like up here as much as Christian's and Sylvia's back in my old stomping grounds. Maybe Nevsky can buy me a slice of black bean pizza from Sylvia's on the corner and mail it to me. Here's the list of bad pizza: Maynard House of Pizza (What the hell is a house of pizza? They have them all over here. Is the house itself constructed of pizza

2004-08-19T11:18:00.000-05:00

Have you ever tried the cereal Golean Crunch? My wife bought a box of it and I tried it this morning. It's like eating the burnt half-popped kernels of popcorn at the bottom of the bowl (just add milk).

2004-08-19T11:15:00.000-05:00

To the assholes who took our digital camera off of the train at Canobie Lake Park - Thanks, we needed to upgrade anyway. But haven't y'all heard of the lost and found, yankee assholes.

2004-08-19T10:57:00.000-05:00

Lowell, Beautiful Lowell Some people view Lowell as a dank post-industrial shithole. Granted, out of the many stankholes that mass-a-two-shits has to offer (Worcester, Framingham, Natick, Lawrence, to name a few), Lowell has a certain aura of disdain among the chowdaheads i have talked to. Personally, I have been chtarmed out of my pants each time I have visited Lowell. The Lowell Folk

2004-07-28T22:09:00.000-05:00

Cnnsi.com has been running the writings of an ice cream vendor at PacBell Ballpark (I know it's no longer PacBell, I still call it Candlestick). In the latest contribution he writes of Barry Bonds's deliterious effect on selling Nestle Drumstick Brand Ice Cream Novelties.

2004-07-24T09:42:00.000-05:00

The wife and I attended an affordable housing meeting this morning. Affordable housing in Massachussets is the same as expensive housing in Virginia. If we qualify for a mortgage we then enter into a lottery. We won a house! I am no longer going to bitch about the greater Boston area. yesterday I dropped the kid units off with grandma and ventured into the city proper. Actually had fun and

2004-07-18T15:27:00.000-05:00

Show a picture of a white duck to a group of morons and one of them, invariably, say "Aflac." Try it yourself, like I did with my inlaws. Three times in the past two days I have watched "Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron" three times. Even the director's family has not watched it with such frequency. Why? Because two-year old Margot Monster loves horses. In case you were unaware, Bryan

2004-07-18T15:25:00.000-05:00

I am typing this with one hand, with baby Lucienne, smelling like baby throwups, crying. It's only been going on for an hour.

2004-07-17T21:04:00.000-05:00

Things I Either Don't Understand or Hate About Boston 1. What the hell is a Frappe? Call it a milkshake like everyone else. 2. Red Sox Nation. I needn't elaborate. 3. Liquor stores around here close at nine, and you can't buy a sixpack in the grocery or the kwik-e-mart (unless they were grandfathered in or some such hooey). 4. They only offer twelve specialty plates, unlike sweet home

2004-06-02T22:38:00.000-05:00

Well this move has been one funky adventure. Concord is more boring than Mohegan Lake. I've been here almost two weeks and have yet to set foot in Boston (West Roxbury doesn't count as Boston). I've not had one lobster roll, one plate of steamers, or one can of Baked Beans. Have seen the lovely downtowns of Framingham and Worcester. There are cool things about the area, though: Newbury

2004-05-04T23:19:00.000-05:00

I am so glad that I only have six more shifts left at work. Tonight I had an fat asshole midget redneck (or, to be sensitive, 'person with neck of color') yell at me and call me 'Boy' because I did not count his change out properly. I was quite busy at the time and did not feel like suffering a fool, so I just walked away and continued to change the keg. Put me in a foul mood for most of the

2004-05-02T23:12:00.000-05:00

Before I move back North, I must divulge some pet peeves about living in a small Southern burg (albeit the #1 place to live in America). As a native New Yorker, I am peeved by the many fraudelant claims made to authentic New York cuisine. Here's the list: 1) New York Bagels. Bodo's is not New York style bagels. Neither is Chesapeake Bagel Company. The dining services at UVA is closer, but

2004-04-29T11:56:00.000-05:00

I am done. Done. Done. I successfully defended my dissertation yesterday. I am now Dr. C. Franz. Whoopee. For perspective on this check out the village voice article this week subtitled "Graduate School: The Quick Path to Poverty."

2004-04-23T14:05:00.000-05:00

Been a while since I have posted. Been keeping way busy lately. Beautiful wife had a baby girl. Lucienne Sofia is her name (the baby, that is, my wife's name is Chris). I am defending my dissertation on Wednesday. I'ma gonna be a doctor! A doctor I tells you. At work I've been running around shouting, "I don't have to take this shit! I'm a doctor of folklore!" Work Update: Fat Luis

2004-01-29T11:13:00.000-05:00

My friend Chris Hackett is in the hospital with a wired jaw. He was working on a confetti gun when something blew up. The New York City antiterrorism unit showed up - turns out he had a bunch of illegal gunpowder (for his performance art as a member of the Madagascar Institute art collective). He's in the hospital now and facing charges. Hack! is a friend from my childhood who lives the

2004-01-19T22:11:00.000-05:00

I had a most disturbing experience today. This afternoon I found some racist pamphlets in my driveway. It was your typical anti-Interracial Dating, Jews run the media, there are homos in our streets type of crap. I was goddamn shaking mad. They had gotten my neighbor's house as well. I do not want this shit in my neighborhood, and not where my daughter can pick it up. I agree with Woody

2004-01-18T16:09:00.000-05:00

Annoying people at work this week: 1) Old & Decrepit Nick - he had to be driven home on Friday because he was either drunk, sick or old and demented. He was waiting for me inside the restaurant at nine in the morning to get his keys back. Then he asked for a beer. I sent the old fuck home. 2) The old lady who hid the broken santa came back in. This week her kid took twenty dollars off of a

2004-01-04T23:27:00.000-05:00

Okay, I admit it. I married Britney Spears. I'd do it again. Had a severe fever this week, and my beautiful daughter had a bad case of the throwups this morning. We are a sickly nation. QUEST FOR PIZZA: This week's quest for pizza brings us to Sylvia's on the downtown mall. We had four slices between the three of us: Thai Chicken, Shrimp Scampi, Cheese and Spinach. The crust was heavenly.

2003-12-28T23:31:00.000-05:00

Some jackass came in just as we were about to close up the grill. The fatass and his ugly wife complain because there were more wings than legs in their Buffalo wing order. Then they sit around lolligagging for twenty minutes past closing. I'm sick of ugly fat people and their stupid complaints, take your shit to Arby's.

2003-12-28T23:27:00.000-05:00

Restuarant Review: Qdoba, on the Corner. Bigass burritos with habanero sauce and chicken mole. Very good for fast food, and cheap! The rice was perfect, it made me realize that I love rice. The pinto beans weren't as good as Baja's. Fake Mexican, but filling and good. Annoying People List, Continued: David T. Lindsay. Movie reviewer for Stomp and Stammer who can't keep his

2003-12-27T22:40:00.000-05:00

Just got back from holidays with the in-laws in Boston. It was really fun. My wife went overboard and bought me a G4 Mac Laptop, it's still being shipped, but I cannot wait to get it into my oily mitts. What I got her sucks assloops in comparison: a wallet, some maternity clothes, heated backmassager, fancy socks, a Dylan DVD. She also got me a Gamecube game and some new clothes. She must

2003-12-21T00:28:00.000-05:00

Here's a list of people who annoy me: 1. The guys who come in before basketball games and insist on talking politics and then assaulting me with rightwing propaganda they heard on Rush that day. Reminds me of Dan, who denied the Holocaust, and then two months later was dead of a severe brain tumor. 2. Last night at the bar there were a bunch of people who brought their kids in to run around

2003-11-24T22:16:00.000-05:00

My wife rented a crappy movie, I'm trying to watch it now. It's called "Better Luck Tomorrow" and it's sort of an American-Asian Reservoir Dogs meets Trainspotting meets Breakfast Club but without the writing, wit, art direction or cool music of any of those films. Just some asian roughies smoking a lot and shooting guns.

2003-11-24T22:13:00.000-05:00

That Fat Wheezing Man came into the restaurant again tonight. I was afraid he was going to have a heart attack. I already told my boss that I don't believe in performing CPR, let the fat humps die. I do believe in Brooklyn mouth to mouth. That's when you stand over the poor guy and shout "Get up or you're gonna fuckin' die." The Fat Wheezing Man ordered a plate of fried mushrooms and a