10.22.2004
Damn Yankees
It is pretty disheartening to be a Yankee fan living in Boston, as I have previously whined about in this, and other, places. Boston fans are, as a rule, insufferable. Now this annoying trait is amplified countless times by a) the Boston Beaneaters beating the Yankees in a humiliating and unprecedented fashion; and b) there being a Deadly World Series being held in Boston this week. I don't know who to be more angry with, those stupid Boston cops who shot that poor girl with the pepperspray bullet (killing her!) or the dumb chowdahead fans who were rioting in the streets celebrating the win. All I know is, I won't be taking my kids to Fenway Park anytime soon.
The fiberglass dinosaur in front of the Discovery Museum I take my daughters to had a Boston Red Sox hat and a "Believe" banner hanging from it. It's inescapable.
In all of the businesses in which I have worked, if I screwed up, I would have to offer either a discount or a refund to the customer. Or I would take as many tries to rectify the situation. Your steak is overdone and burnt? Let me make you a new one and eat the cost. You don't like your Guiness, even though you have never had one before and wouldn't know a good beer from septic water? It's on the house. You thought a Filet Mignon was a fish? Let me make you something else. (All true stories, btw). So how come when the Yankees fuck up royally they don't give back parts of their salary? That asshole Kevin Brown should give back all of his salary and then some! What about all of us Yankee fans who have shelled out mucho money for tickets, hats, jerseys, banners, yankee tattoos, etc. fully expecting a World Series rings. I want my discount coupon in the mail tomorrow.
It is pretty disheartening to be a Yankee fan living in Boston, as I have previously whined about in this, and other, places. Boston fans are, as a rule, insufferable. Now this annoying trait is amplified countless times by a) the Boston Beaneaters beating the Yankees in a humiliating and unprecedented fashion; and b) there being a Deadly World Series being held in Boston this week. I don't know who to be more angry with, those stupid Boston cops who shot that poor girl with the pepperspray bullet (killing her!) or the dumb chowdahead fans who were rioting in the streets celebrating the win. All I know is, I won't be taking my kids to Fenway Park anytime soon.
The fiberglass dinosaur in front of the Discovery Museum I take my daughters to had a Boston Red Sox hat and a "Believe" banner hanging from it. It's inescapable.
In all of the businesses in which I have worked, if I screwed up, I would have to offer either a discount or a refund to the customer. Or I would take as many tries to rectify the situation. Your steak is overdone and burnt? Let me make you a new one and eat the cost. You don't like your Guiness, even though you have never had one before and wouldn't know a good beer from septic water? It's on the house. You thought a Filet Mignon was a fish? Let me make you something else. (All true stories, btw). So how come when the Yankees fuck up royally they don't give back parts of their salary? That asshole Kevin Brown should give back all of his salary and then some! What about all of us Yankee fans who have shelled out mucho money for tickets, hats, jerseys, banners, yankee tattoos, etc. fully expecting a World Series rings. I want my discount coupon in the mail tomorrow.
10.14.2004
A Stranger in a Strange Land
I am a Yankee fan living in Red Sox Nation. I have never lived anywhere where I feel less welcome. I am more homesick than when I was halfway around the globe eating potatoes and mushrooms for breakfast and mangling the Russian language in unique and interesting ways. The radio and tv airwaves are filled with chowdahedz talking shit about the Yankees. The only solace I can take is that the Yankees are most likely to win the series against the Sox.
My wife and I are raising our children Yankee fans. Any Red Sox crap that makes it way into my house will be wipe on my ass. My wife got to choose our kids religion, to my dismay, so I at least get to make the Baseball affiliation choice. When the girls are old enough, they can choose on their own (both religion and baseball, which is one and the same to me).
I am a Yankee fan living in Red Sox Nation. I have never lived anywhere where I feel less welcome. I am more homesick than when I was halfway around the globe eating potatoes and mushrooms for breakfast and mangling the Russian language in unique and interesting ways. The radio and tv airwaves are filled with chowdahedz talking shit about the Yankees. The only solace I can take is that the Yankees are most likely to win the series against the Sox.
My wife and I are raising our children Yankee fans. Any Red Sox crap that makes it way into my house will be wipe on my ass. My wife got to choose our kids religion, to my dismay, so I at least get to make the Baseball affiliation choice. When the girls are old enough, they can choose on their own (both religion and baseball, which is one and the same to me).
10.13.2004
I had a whole bunch of ideas to write about this week, but I forget them at the moment!
Oh yeah, I wanted to write about the Topsfield Fair. Have you ever been to county fair or a state fair? What a fucking mess of humanity. Too many people, too many Turkey Legs and Cotton candies, and too much ugly cleavage.
Here is a list of the kinds of people who you will see at the fair:
1. Ugly people. We are talking teeth deformities, smushed up noses, hairlips, Def Leppard Hair, unfortunate tattoos and facial piercings.
2. The Morbidly Obese. Some of them in carts.
3. Strange Fashion. I like to point out oddly and provocatively dressed women and men to my wife. My favorite was the frilly green skirt with sude fuck me boots and an Aeropostale sweatshirt (which was very popular at this years fair among those who were inclined to wear sweatshirts). I also say "bouncy bouncy bouncy" under my breath whenever a woman with huge cleavage walks by (much to my wife's delight). Lots of watermelons on downhill races at the fair.
4. Young mothers blowing cigarette smoke into their kids strollers. I even think I saw a woman smoking with a baby in a frontpack. I hate smokers, but I especially hate people who smoke around their kids.
5. Carnies.
I went to the B'Nai Birth of Lowell food stand (who knew?). I got a knish, and I was very happy to find a knish. I had found a grocery store around here that sells decent bialys, but I haven't had a knish in, like, forever. However, this was unlike any knish I ever had, it had beef and onions in it and was doughy and shit. It was basically a Jewish empinada. Not like the potato knishes you get on the street in New York. They also had fried twinkies, and I had bet my wife a dollar that I would find fried twinkies there. However, they just threw a frozen twinkie into the fryer - no batter, no stick or anything. It was tasty, but could have been done better. Later, when i was standing on line for some potato twists, one of the girls who was working the B'Nai Birth booth was behind me and ordered the twists with BACON! I guess pareve laws don't hold at fairs or in Lowell!
Oh yeah, I wanted to write about the Topsfield Fair. Have you ever been to county fair or a state fair? What a fucking mess of humanity. Too many people, too many Turkey Legs and Cotton candies, and too much ugly cleavage.
Here is a list of the kinds of people who you will see at the fair:
1. Ugly people. We are talking teeth deformities, smushed up noses, hairlips, Def Leppard Hair, unfortunate tattoos and facial piercings.
2. The Morbidly Obese. Some of them in carts.
3. Strange Fashion. I like to point out oddly and provocatively dressed women and men to my wife. My favorite was the frilly green skirt with sude fuck me boots and an Aeropostale sweatshirt (which was very popular at this years fair among those who were inclined to wear sweatshirts). I also say "bouncy bouncy bouncy" under my breath whenever a woman with huge cleavage walks by (much to my wife's delight). Lots of watermelons on downhill races at the fair.
4. Young mothers blowing cigarette smoke into their kids strollers. I even think I saw a woman smoking with a baby in a frontpack. I hate smokers, but I especially hate people who smoke around their kids.
5. Carnies.
I went to the B'Nai Birth of Lowell food stand (who knew?). I got a knish, and I was very happy to find a knish. I had found a grocery store around here that sells decent bialys, but I haven't had a knish in, like, forever. However, this was unlike any knish I ever had, it had beef and onions in it and was doughy and shit. It was basically a Jewish empinada. Not like the potato knishes you get on the street in New York. They also had fried twinkies, and I had bet my wife a dollar that I would find fried twinkies there. However, they just threw a frozen twinkie into the fryer - no batter, no stick or anything. It was tasty, but could have been done better. Later, when i was standing on line for some potato twists, one of the girls who was working the B'Nai Birth booth was behind me and ordered the twists with BACON! I guess pareve laws don't hold at fairs or in Lowell!
10.08.2004
Elmo's Coloring Book
One of the perils of modern-day parenting is the annual Sesame Street Live touring show that appears at your local arena, playhouse, etc. Nowadays it is no longer limited to the Sesame Street gang, which I can at least relate to, I was wearing Elmo paraphenalia years before I had kids. Now there are all the children's logorific commercial tie-ins to deal with: Disney On Ice, Dora The Explorer Stage Show, Arthur, etc. Last year it was The Wiggles. We, of course took our daughter, who was only 1 and a half at the time and probably doesn't remember it. This year we went to see Elmo's Coloring Book at the Centrum in Worcester, which is another in a long list of shitty Massachusetts cities that should just give it up and relocate the entire population and destroy the buildings. But that's another rant, this one is about the ridicoulous Sesame Street Live show. I did not mind the whole dancing and singing colored mopheads. I am actually quite fond of Muppets, I could name them all before Margot and Lucie came along. I was actually kind of upset that Snufalupagus did not make an appearance. And some of the Muppets I can't stand, two of which were in this show: The Count and Baby Bear. Baby Bear is the worst Muppet since the misjudged introduction of Placido Flamingo and Meryl Sheep. What probably annoys me most about Baby Bear is that he 'tawks' like I did as a child. While those with speech impediments like me could probably relate to the said ursine muppet, and which was probably the idea when they created this creature by committee, I can't help but resent the depiction. It must be akin to how asians feel about seeing Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's.
To get back to Elmo's Coloring Book. the problem I had with the whole show was the premise and the framing device (which is my main gripe about seventy percent of the things I watch). I did not buy the introduction of the character "Dr. Colour" (or some such crap) who was a world-famous color scientist with a machine that adds color to things. It was stupid and insulting. I don't need a half-assed plot to enjoy Sesame Street Live. Just have a bunch of dance school dropouts jump around on stage in furry costumes and I'm happy. Don't bother me with a ridiculous plot about a polar bear who steals color from Oscar (what the fuck?). And there was this annoying bit of dialogue:
Elmo: "Professor, you're a genius!"
Prof.: "That's what they say!"
And then there was the asshole arguing with his wife behind us (like all assholes in this area he was wearing a Red Sox hat). Here is a real-life snippet of that argument:
"Where'd your parents go?"
"They went home to watch the debate."
"Cheapasses."
"What the Hell does that mean? How does that make them cheapasses?"
One of the perils of modern-day parenting is the annual Sesame Street Live touring show that appears at your local arena, playhouse, etc. Nowadays it is no longer limited to the Sesame Street gang, which I can at least relate to, I was wearing Elmo paraphenalia years before I had kids. Now there are all the children's logorific commercial tie-ins to deal with: Disney On Ice, Dora The Explorer Stage Show, Arthur, etc. Last year it was The Wiggles. We, of course took our daughter, who was only 1 and a half at the time and probably doesn't remember it. This year we went to see Elmo's Coloring Book at the Centrum in Worcester, which is another in a long list of shitty Massachusetts cities that should just give it up and relocate the entire population and destroy the buildings. But that's another rant, this one is about the ridicoulous Sesame Street Live show. I did not mind the whole dancing and singing colored mopheads. I am actually quite fond of Muppets, I could name them all before Margot and Lucie came along. I was actually kind of upset that Snufalupagus did not make an appearance. And some of the Muppets I can't stand, two of which were in this show: The Count and Baby Bear. Baby Bear is the worst Muppet since the misjudged introduction of Placido Flamingo and Meryl Sheep. What probably annoys me most about Baby Bear is that he 'tawks' like I did as a child. While those with speech impediments like me could probably relate to the said ursine muppet, and which was probably the idea when they created this creature by committee, I can't help but resent the depiction. It must be akin to how asians feel about seeing Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's.
To get back to Elmo's Coloring Book. the problem I had with the whole show was the premise and the framing device (which is my main gripe about seventy percent of the things I watch). I did not buy the introduction of the character "Dr. Colour" (or some such crap) who was a world-famous color scientist with a machine that adds color to things. It was stupid and insulting. I don't need a half-assed plot to enjoy Sesame Street Live. Just have a bunch of dance school dropouts jump around on stage in furry costumes and I'm happy. Don't bother me with a ridiculous plot about a polar bear who steals color from Oscar (what the fuck?). And there was this annoying bit of dialogue:
Elmo: "Professor, you're a genius!"
Prof.: "That's what they say!"
And then there was the asshole arguing with his wife behind us (like all assholes in this area he was wearing a Red Sox hat). Here is a real-life snippet of that argument:
"Where'd your parents go?"
"They went home to watch the debate."
"Cheapasses."
"What the Hell does that mean? How does that make them cheapasses?"
10.07.2004
Ladies and Gentlemen, the President is a Robot
Check out this story on Salon. Apparently Bush is having his words fed to him by radio transmitter.
Check out this story on Salon. Apparently Bush is having his words fed to him by radio transmitter.
I'm a Published Writer, Part II
I have sold another article! Somebody is actually paying me to record my ramblings. Granted, the pay is minimal, but it is pay nonetheless! I'm not sure when it will be published, but I will soon appear on the online journal SmellyK. As I like to boast, "The K stands for Kunt." The article actually lets me blend my love of folklore with my love of smelly k's. It is a retelling of a Navajo genital creation myth. Hopefully it will be part of a series of essays on kunts in folklore. Now I can profit off of the research I did for a whole year, before my advisor made me throw out my diss and start anew. I am using my penname - Ivan Kupala - for this. Don't know if I want these pages to show up when my name is Googled.
I have sold another article! Somebody is actually paying me to record my ramblings. Granted, the pay is minimal, but it is pay nonetheless! I'm not sure when it will be published, but I will soon appear on the online journal SmellyK. As I like to boast, "The K stands for Kunt." The article actually lets me blend my love of folklore with my love of smelly k's. It is a retelling of a Navajo genital creation myth. Hopefully it will be part of a series of essays on kunts in folklore. Now I can profit off of the research I did for a whole year, before my advisor made me throw out my diss and start anew. I am using my penname - Ivan Kupala - for this. Don't know if I want these pages to show up when my name is Googled.
